A Michigan fan, an Ohio State fan, and Pamela Anderson are sitting together on the subway when the lights go out and the car goes completely dark. There's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
When the subway carís lights come back on, Pamela Anderson and the
Ohio State fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Michigan fan is holding his slapped face.
The Michigan fan is thinking, "That Ohio State fan must have kissed Pamela and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
Pamela is thinking, "That Michigan fan must have tried to kiss me,
accidentally kissed the Ohio State fan, and got slapped for it."
And the Ohio State fan is thinking, "This is great. The next time the subway carís lights go out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that stupid fucking Michigan fan again!"
Three college football fans were en route to a game when they noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead-drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Ohio State fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Purdue fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Michigan fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Ohio State cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Purdue cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Michigan cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Michigan fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you a pervert or something?"
"NoĒ said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Michigan cap, I find an asshole."
There is this good ol' barber in Columbus, Ohio. One day a florist from Dublin, OH, goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Worthington, OH, cop goes to the barber for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber. The barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Michigan football player goes to the barber for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Michigan football players looking for a free haircut.
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my dad is a mechanic."
Then one boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his dad dances nude in a gay bar.
Jimmy blushes and says, "No Teacher. I'm sorry but my dad plays for the Michigan Wolverines and I was too embarrassed to say so."
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished three bottles of Booneís wine by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not
20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
Michigan's quarterback had to get his grades up in order to play in the big game against Ohio State at the end of the season. His coach, Lloyd Carr, knows that this is impossible without some incredible rule-bending. He decides to test them to the limit.
He arranged for the professors who were unhappy with the player's work to create a special test for him. They finally decided on a good, short quiz. They brought the quarterback into an empty room that was filled with books, magazines, calendars, and electronic computing equipment (calculators, computers, etc.). They told him that he would have five hours to complete the one-question quiz. He agreed and they left the room. The profs. check on him every hour and record his progress. At the end of the five hours, they ask him for his answer.
He says, 'Just a minute! I've almost got it!' After ten minutes of this, the profs. get agitated and finally yell at him, 'We need an answer! How many seconds are there in a year?'
He replies, '12.'
'12?!' exclaim the exasperated educators.
'Yeah, the second of January, the second of February, the second of March...'